1.) Sit where you're seated.
There are exceptions to this rule, but not really. Hosting is hard. Not only is it hard, but there's usually a young, not-so-bright hottie in charge of seating. You are seated in a certain place for a reason. 90% of restaurants use a rotation chart. I won't explain this to you because it's mundane. But we chose your table to ensure you the best service. By rotating it gives the server enough time to tend to their other tables before you are greeted. If your presumptuous ass decides you want a certain table on the other side of the restaurant you've automatically pissed off a few people. It's not a big deal to you, but now the server running the section you're in has been double sat and they won't like you. It's petty - We know, but to be honest, we don't care. Just follow the hottie with the menus and sit down.
2.) "Water" is not a state of being.
Waiting tables is redundant. Annoyingly redundant. When I greet you after you've seated and I welcome you to our wonderful establishment the first words out of my mouth, without any conscious effort will be, "How are you doing today?" Let me go over a list of acceptable responses; Fine, Great, Shitty, Go Away, Doing well thank you, How are you...I could go on.... Now we both know I don't give a flying rats ass how you're doing, but that does not make it okay to blurt out, "WATER!" I asked you a question. Answer it. Water does not describe how you're doing today. I will stare at you blankly and make you try again. After we've established that you're doing well I will proceed to inquire what you would like to drink. At this point you can yell, "WATER!!" at me.
3.) Only order when you're ready.
After I bring you your drink and successfully set it down without "accidentally" spilling it on you, I will ask you if you're ready to order. This is crunch time, and if you're not ready, politely ask me to come back. I won't make you wait long (unless you're a dick). I'm sure you've been traumatized in the past by a waiter who has left your side and made you wait a whole 3 minutes to place your order, but that is not a good enough reason to tell me you're ready then proceed to read over the entire menu while I hover over you. I've been doing this long enough that I will make you feel incredibly awkward while you sit there and attempt to read a menu. In case you didn't realize, there are at least 15 other people staring holes through the back of my head waiting for me to come back to their table so they can insult my intelligence and remind me that they are on lunch break and in a hurry. *Newsflash* - Every freaking human in the building is on their lunch break and in a hurry, so I don't give a shit. But I digress, the point is, only order when you are ready.
4.) Be Polite.
Now after your food has arrived and you feel the overwhelming desire to complain about it, assess how you are going to approach the situation. This is crucial. If you're rude about it and you blame me for the way the food was prepared, we're gonna have issues. Just as a side note and a reminder, I'm not the person who actually cooks your food. You know that, right? I'm like the middle man...I just relay the things you say to the actual chef. Now, I know I'm not perfect and sometimes I forget you're allergic to pickles (although, I know you're not actually allergic to them, you're just trying to place emphasis on how much you dislike them), but it's a quick and easy fix. Just relax, pop a Xanax if you need to, and wait about 4 minutes for the chef to re-plate your dish. And whatever you do, DON'T be rude about it. It's the cardinal rule. Let me clarify, I'm not going to mess with your food - I've never done that, I never will. Mostly because I believe in Karma. I have seen some horrible things in the past, but trust me, I wouldn't mess with your food, most servers won't. I will take my sweet ass time though so that you're late for that meeting you've been babbling on about. This is one of those moments where my pride takes over and I'm willing to risk not getting tipped.
5.) Do not snap, whistle, wave your hand, yell, bang your fork, or interrupt me to get my attention.
Seriously, just don't do it. I'm not a dog.
6.) Do not leave your server a rude note.
Now this is new to me. In the past I've had men leave their numbers on napkins, or I've had people write about how awesome I was on their receipts. As of recent I've seen and heard more about people leaving their complaints on whatever piece of paper they can find. Why in the hell would you do this? Honestly, reevaluate your life. If your dining experience is that horrible either tell the manager, or quietly leave (after paying your tab, of course). As much as I want to come into your place of employment and tell you how to do your job, I don't. That's rude. When you do this, it completely ruins the servers day. Why would you want to do that to a person? Also, we remember the people who treat us poorly. So don't come back or you will actually have a legitimate reason to complain.
7.) Just because we close at 11:00 pm doesn't mean you can be seated at 10:59 pm.
I might kick myself for revealing this secret online, but that's okay. Corporate restaurants begin operating 15 minutes before/after their posted hours. However, if we are scheduled to close at 11 you better believe all the closing work is done by 10:30. It's been a long and stressful day, and we are ready to go home (well, we're ready to drink away half our tips). The person who walks through that door close to closing time automatically has a target on their back. If you're lucky enough to be seated (which is probably only because the manager is nearby), tread lightly - and tip well. It is so disrespectful to come in right before closing, order a well done steak, send it back twice, demand that it be taken off the bill, order coffee and dessert, and then continue to sit and talk for 45 minutes.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. From the moment you enter the restaurant until the minute you leave, you need to be on your best behavior. More guidelines to be posted soon!
